


Little Do You Know

by willneversink



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Beards (Relationships), Broken Harry, Closeted Character, M/M, Secret Relationship, emotional harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-11 01:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4415009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willneversink/pseuds/willneversink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry was hurting. And one night he snapped and broke down in front of Louis but much to his surprise, Louis' reaction made him more broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Do You Know

                                                                                                            

 

Hello there. I highly recommend for you to listen to [Little Do You Know by Alex & Sierra](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys8b0qVbwCk) while reading this or else you might miss the feels. Lol. But yeah, it's good for an hour (in the multimedia section) play it) so you don't have to replay it again and again. x

Enjoy reading!

\- R

 

. . . .

I watch him walk towards the door, smiling as he looks back at me. I keep the smile on my face as I raise my hand to wave at him. He smiles faintly at me sighing before turning his back, walking away.

As he door closes, the smile on my face slowly fades as my hand and shoulders drops. I gulp, staring blankly at the door. I shut my eyes trying to think about.. something, anything. Like.. happy thoughts.

_He's coming back to me._

I sigh once again, walking in our bedroom. I let myself fall on the bed, facing the ceiling. My eyes glued to the white wide ceiling.

_"Harry.."_

_I open my eyes just to see him scooting closer to me, burying his face on my armpit. I chuckle._

_"Lou, what are you doing?"_

_"It's cold," he mumbles. "Hug me."_

_The side of my lips curves upwards as I pull him closer to my chest. He sighs in content as he plants a kiss on my jaw._

_"I have you, you have me. That's all matters."_

_I nod, closing my eyes as I drift back into sleep, feeling his breath tickling my neck._

It's just one of the days when he suddenly wants to be cuddled and held. I'm always the one who always fall asleep in his arms. He's always the one who puts his arms around me until I'm warm enough.

I know he needs assurance. He needs me, he needs me to be strong enough because he's starting to feel weak and too vulnerable. He needs me to cover him. He needs me to protect him even for a while because after that, he's gonna fight for us again. For me.

He needs me. And hell, I need him too.

I need him to be happy. I need him so I can start my day with a smile on my face as I'm waken up by his loud snores. I need him to hold me as close as possible, as tight as he could because he's my safe haven. In his arms I don't feel I'm in danger. In his arms I feel safe, I feel comfortable. I feel loved.

I need him in my life more than he needs me. I can't go on a day without seeing or hearing him. My God.

_I love you, Harry._

My eyes waters as I read his text message. I stop myself from texting him back because I couldn't. Today is not my day. It's theirs so I should keep hidden.

Aren't I always hidden? I am. Always. We're made to be hidden. I'm destined to be hidden. Our love was hidden, is, and will always be.

"Hi, Niall."

"Let's go to Liam's!"

"I don't feel like moving out of this bed, to be honest," I say as I stare at the ceiling. "If you want, you guys can go here. Entertain yourselves."

"Okay, sure. I'll call them."

I nod as the call ends. I bite my lower lip, closing my eyes. Smiling through the pain and happiness of the memories.

_I trace his tattoo, staring at it with wide eyes and a smile on my face. He chuckles at me, kissing my temple._

_"You really did," I say, almost breathless. "You got the dagger."_

_"Of course I did! And now we have another matching tattoos," he says proudly, playing with my long hair. "I love it when people knows that we're together when they see our matching tattoos. That we love each other so much to permanently ink it on our skin."_

_I just nod, still admiring his dagger. The dagger that goes right through my rose. "It's beautiful."_

_"You are beautiful." I look up at him. He caresses my face, rubbing his thumb on my cheeks. "You don't know how much I love you."_

Yes. I don't know how much, Louis. That's the problem, I don't know how much. I don't know if it's enough for you to fight till the end.

I'm always in doubt. You tell me you love me, I can feel it but I'm always afraid. I'm fucking scared that one day you'll change your mind. That one day you're not in bed with me when I wake up. That one day I'll go to sleep without you holding me close. That one day you'll be tired of everything.

Tired of pretending. Tired of fighting. Tired of hurting. Tired of faking. Tired.. of me.

I'm fucking scared, Louis.

I jolt up on my bed, wiping my tears as I hear a loud bang against the door. I rush towards the door, opening it. I put a smile on my face as a Laughing Niall greets me.

"Good morning!"

"Have you eaten yet?"

I shake my head, hugging Zayn as Niall goes straight in the living room. Before I close the door, I look outside. The weather seems nice but I feel shit.

"Harry, it's already 11:30 and you haven't eat yet?"

"I just woke up," I answer, sitting down next to Niall who's eating fries. I glance at Zayn.

"Okay," he nods, slightly shrugging. "Niall give him the pancakes."

"But I'm sure he has something in his fridge! Go and get it, don't take mine," Niall pouts. "Plus I bought this for me not you."

I just chuckle, pinching his cheeks. "It's okay, Ni. It's not like I'm hungry though."

"Hungry or not you should eat," Zayn stands up from his seat, dragging me to the kitchen.

I thought he was gonna let me go but he holds both of my shoulders. I look at him with a fake confusion plastered across my face.

"Yes, Zayn?"

"Tell me what happened."

"Nothing happened. What are you talking about?"

He clenches his jaw. "Where's Louis?"

"Out," I bite the inside of my cheeks. "Look, Zay-"

"He's out," he states. "With?"

"Zayn, please! Leave me alone," I snap, shrugging off his hands. "Please."

I sit on the high chair, putting my head on my hands, tugging my curls. "I just.. I need time, okay? I wanna be alone."

"No. Because being alone means thinking. And I don't want you to overthink things."

We fall silent that the only thing I can hear is the faint beat of my heart and my breathing. My eyes stings.

"It's so hard," I whisper. "It hurts."

He rubs my back. "Soon, Harry. Soon."

 _Soon_. Well fuck that fucking soon! I'm always waiting for that soon but when the hell did that soon come? Never! That  _soon_  would never come. We will never have that  _soon_!

"Hey, no cellphone for today. Let's have fun, lads!" Niall cheers, nudging me like he doesn't feel the tension. Like he doesn't see me struggling. Like he doesn't see me sad.

I glance at the blond Irish infront of me. He's smiling big like nothing's bothering him. Like he doesn't miss his mum or his family. That he doesn't want to go home and take a long break from everything. He's laughing like he doesn't have any problem.

I wanna be like him.

I want to be carefree. I want to not care about what people say. I want to laugh at everything. I want to be fucking happy. Is it too much to ask?

-

_Louis and Eleanor at restaurant today!_

I scroll through my timeline. I click at the photo, waiting for it to load. I gulp as the picture appears.

He's smiling. He's looking at her. He's holding her hand.

Cute.

Why can't it be me? I want to hold his hand when we're out. Why can't he look at me like he did before? Why can't he even talk to me on stage? Why can't I hold his hand? Why can't we interact like we did before? Why can't we do something together? Why can't we? It's not like we'd kiss if we're on stage.

Am I selfish? I want them to know he loves me. I want the whole world to see how he looks at me like I'm the only one who exists. Like I'm his world.

But he can't do that.

He can't do it in public. He can't look at me even for a minute. He's  _not_  allowed to do that so am I. But I can't help it. I'm fucking stubborn because I love him so much that I can't control myself to never look at him. I love how he laughs, talks, smiles and even breathe when we're in interviews or even on the stage. I can't do anything but to admire every single thing he does.

I'm fucking whipped.

But the sad thing he can't do the same. He forgot about the bravery. He forgot how to be brave. But atleast he loves me. That's what he says. And I'm still here not only because I love him but also because he loves me.

That's the only thing I need and want. He loves me.

"Harr- I said no phones today!" he yells, snatching the phone in my hand as he crashes in our room. "Why didn't you listen to me?"

"Because I didn't! And why did you say no phones? Because you knew I'm going to see those updates and pictures! Niall, don't feed me up with bullshits! I'm living in hell and I'm so fucking tired of facing bullshits every fucking day!"

He looks at me with wide eyes and open mouth. Tears stream down my face as I look at his blue eyes. My chest rises up and down.

"You're tired? Why don't you just give up?"

My knees melts. I know, I fucking know the answer and he also does. But he wants me to say it. He wants me too because he wants me to see clear. He wants to remind me that my Louis loves me. He wants to remind me that I love him with all my heart.   
"Because.. b-because," I sob. "Because I love him," I whisper to myself.

"Dammit, Harry. Say it out loud!"

I shut my eyes, biting my lower lip to block my whimper. "I love him," I whisper. "So much."

He rushes to me, grabbing both of my arms. He lifts my head harshly to look at him. "Say it, Styles. Loud!"

I stare at him, looking for help, looking for some confidence. He's determined but I'm scared. Scared that someone might hear me and that will ruin everything.

I lost it.

I let the tears flow and my sob escape as I rush to him and hug him, burying my face on his neck, holding on to his shirt for support. He hugs me back tightly.

"I love him, I love him, I love him," I mutter between my sobs. "I love him, Niall. I love him so much. I fucking love him. I love him.."

"I know, Harry. I know."

"But the whole world don't. I can't say it. I can't scream it. It hurts, Niall. I want them to know but I just can't. We can't, Niall. We can't. I love him so much."

"Just trust him, Harry."

I do trust him. I trust him since I let him have my heart, soul and body.

I trust him since I met him.

-

"Take me with you," I say. They both look at me, shocked and scared. "Please."

"Louis won't let you," Zayn states.

"He's not there though," I shrug, tasting the bitterness in my mouth. "Let me go with you."

Niall looks at Zayn for confirmation until Zayn gives up, giving me a curt nod. I smile tirumphantly.

I push my hair back as the water runs down my naked body. I smile sadly as I remember how Louis would suddenly goes in to join me without a warning. I lift my head, letting the water hit my face.

I remember how he bathed me. I remember how he made me feel hot under the cold water. I remember how he pinned me against the wall. I remember how we made love in the shower. I remember everything.

I wonder if he does too.

-

Niall's wasted. I'm not so is Zayn. Zayn said we should get home and I just said yes even though I don't want to yet.

"Can you drop me by the nearest convenience store?" I request.

"We won't risk you being mobbed. Not right now, you're quite drunk and you should go home. It's late."

"C'mon, Zayn. I'm a grown up man now, I can take care of myself plus you and I both know I'm not  _that_  drunk. And he's not home yet," I sigh, looking outside the window of his car. "I just want something to eat. Noodles."

"Fine. Text or call me when you get home, alright?"

I nod.

I watch him drives away before going back inside the store with my head down. I absentmindedly grab two chocolate bars, pay it and eat it as I make my way back to the club.

I have to. Sorry, Zayn.

-

I cuss under my breath as I stumble walking towards the door. I'm drunk as hell but who the fuck cares?

Louis is not here. He didn't come back to me. The lights are off. I'm going to sleep alone tonight with no one to cuddle.

"Ah, yes, home," I exclaim as I successfully opened the door.

"Oops," I giggle when I accidentally close the door with a loud bang. I take off my coat, tossing it carelessly. I bend down to take off my boots as well.

My toe hit the corner of the counter as I make my way to the kitchen. I almost cry because it hurts but the thirst in my throat is killing me.

"You're home."

I jump at the sudden noise, making me almost drop the glass of water in my hand but instead it splashes across my shirt. I hiss, looking down at my now wet shirt.

Why do I suddenly feel that the alcohol suddenly left my mind and body?

"You're home," I mimick.

"It's 4:26."

"I know, I have my watch," I say, raising my hand for him to see the watch wrapped around my wrisf.

I get up from the chair. I almost fall but I manage to keep my balance. I keep my eyes on the floor as I make my way outside the kitchen. I almost sighed in relief when I walked pass by him but he poked my back.

"I missed you, idiot."

My chest tightens. I missed you too, fool. I close my eyes. I suddenly want to turn around and hug him tight but I can't. I'm hurting. I need to breathe.

He's the reason why I'm hurting but I know, we both know that he's the only one who can take away all the pain.

"You're drunk."

"I am."

"You know I don't like it."

I chuckle, "There are many things you do that I don't like but I'm not complaining."

He falls silent until he sighs deeply. "Can we talk?"

"Aren't we already?"

I bite my lower lip. Please, Lou. Don't push me. I'm under the influence of alcohol. I'm drunk and you know how I am when I'm drunk. I can't control myself. I can't control anything I'm gonna say or act. I don't want a fight, Lou. Not with you. Please.

"Harry.."

"I want to sleep," I state, walking towards our room but he grabs my wrist turning me around to face him.

"We will talk," he declares, looking determined at me.

It's funny to think how he can stop me even though I'm way taller than him. It's funny to think how he can carry me while we kiss as I wrap my legs around his waist. It's funny to think how he can pin me against the wall when he's smaller than me. It's funny to think I'm so fucking inlove with him.

"You know I don't have a choice, Harry."

"You do have a choice. You know that, Louis."

"I don't."

"You do!" I yell. "You fucking do, Louis! You have a choice not to obey all their orders! You have a choice because that's your life not theirs! You have a choice to leave her like what I did with all the girls they wanted me to date because I knew it would hurt you! I don't want you to be hurt, I don't want to see you hurt or even cry because of me that's why I got rid off them. You were the reason why and still are!"

His mouth slighlty parts as he steps back, loosing his touch from me.

"But what, Louis? You chose to pretend you're dating her, you chose to obey them, you chose to pretend you love her, you chose to lie! You chose the hard way! You chose to hurt me!"

The tears pricks my eyes but I blink it away. I stare at him who's looking dumbfoundedly at me with his mouth slightly open like asking for some oxygen and his wide eyes.

"Harr-"

"You know what? This is bullshit just like you called it. Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT!"

I catch my breath, stepping back when he lunges himself onto me. His arms wraps around my waist tightly as he nuzzles his face against my chest, making himself as small as possible. My heart starts to break in pieces as I hear his soft sobs.

"Don't, don't, don't. Don't leave me, Harry. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you so much. Love shouldn't be like this but I need you in my life, Harry. Please, don't leave me. I can't, I can't. Love, please, please."

His shoulders shakes as he pulls me closer.. tighter. His cries echoes in my ear. His cries breaks my heart. His cries makes my tears falls. His cries makes me weak. His cries goes through my heart. His cries makes me want to kiss his pain away.

"Please, please, please. Harry, love, don't. Don't leave me. I just need you to be strong. I want you to fight with me. Don't leave me all alone. I need you. Stay with me, love, please?"

He looks up at me. I look down just to see how broken and scared he is. His eyes are pleading. He looks so small. He looks so fragile. His eyes filled with tears as well with fear. His thin lips are trembling while his face is covered with tears.

"I'm begging you. I love you," he sobs.

He clutches my shirt, waiting and looking for answer. His tears falls faster and panick starts to appear across his face when I still haven't said anything. I can feel how bad he is shaking.

I smile as I put my hand on his back. His cries slightly dies down. He looks at me with hope in his eyes. My tears streams down my face faster than I could ever imagine, syncing with his tears, his pain, his fear. It's just beautiful.

Painfully beautiful.

Two lovers who can't tell the world how much they love each other. Two lovers who express their love behind the close doors. Two lovers who love each other so much it hurts. Two lovers who are ready to fight through the pain. Two lovers who have a beautiful but painful love story.

I close my eyes, feeling a warm liquid falls down on my cheeks as I lean closer until my lips touches his.

The answer would always be yes, Louis. I would always be with you. I won't leave you. I will be there with you till the end. I will fight with you. No need to beg because I love you so much that I will do everything.

I will, Louis. I will.

-

He kept his eyes glued at me all the time. Even when I changed my shirt, I mean he changed it, but he kept his fingers tangled with mine.

It feels odd because I'm the one who always clings to him like a koala but now it's different. And I know why. I always know why.

The fear is eating him again and he wants me to be there. He wants me to assure him that everything will be fine. He needs me to feel safe and secured. He needs me.

He sighs, pulling me closer to his chest, running his fingers through my hair. "Tell me what you feel. Tell me if it hurts too much, tell me if I'm hurting you too much. Tell me if you're tired.. of me. Just tell me, Harry."

"I'm tired of everything but not of you. I won't. Never, Louis."

He sighs again, but this time in relief. "I love you."

"I love you too," I say, closing my eyes.

"Sleep now, love. I'm here. I will hold you. I won't leave. Good night."

I nod slightly, scooting closer to him as he pulls the covers up. I listen to the beat of his heart like it's a beautiful music. He stays silent while playing with my hair.

"Harry?" he calls.

I didn't move.

He chuckles, "my baby is asleep." He caresses my bare back, kissing my temples. "My baby.. mine, huh?"

He hums, tracing circles ob my back. "I get Jealous when the boys can touch or talk to you on stage while I can't. It sucks. And sometimes I just want to break Liam's arm, you know. He don't touch my boyfriend like that," he laughs silently. "But of course I won't do that, silly."

Silence.

"I love you so much that I don't know what to do if you leave me."

He may think I'm asleep but I can hear everything. I can hear how scared he is to be alone. I can hear how much he doesn't want to hurt me. I can hear how much sorry he is. I can hear how he explains why he fell for me. I can hear how happy he is when he tells me the first time he kissed me. I can hear how much he's controlling himself not to look at me fondly when we're on stage or interviews. I can hear how much he hates himself for hurting me which I disagree because it's not his fault.

I can hear how much he wants me to be happy. I can hear how much I can make him happy. I can hear how I can make his heart beats faster by just smiling.

I can hear how much he loves me.

I can hear everything and it feels good to know everything with my own ears coming out from his mouth.

"I love you so much. Don't leave me. We can do this, love. I promise," he pushes my hair back. "I promise, Harry. Just trust me."

That's the last thing he said before his breathing slows down as he drifts into sleep. I clutch his shirt, biting my lower lip but before I can stop myself I start to tear up.

I cry silently as I remember everything he said. Goddammit! I love him so much that I'm willing to do everything. I love him so much that I'm willing to experience all the pain. I love him so much that I'm willing to take his pain away and experience all of it. I love him so much that I'm willing to be here till the end.

I love him so much that I don't think he has no idea how much I do.

I look up at him, smiling at the sight. His stubble, cheekbones, eyelashes, cute nose, his messy hair and his lips. I kiss his cheeks, burying my face at the crook of his neck.

"I love you, fool."


End file.
